Makeovers
A selection of waffly public-writing samples, translated into plain English.
NOTE: Original samples presented as they appeared in print, including any flaws or quirks of grammar, spelling and punctuation.
Our aim is not to name and shame, so we have made every effort to remove identifying details.
You are welcome to borrow these makeovers, providing you attribute copyright to Plain English People Ltd and advise us (howard@plainenglishpeople.co.nz) how and where they will be used.
A high-profile sports commentator:
They [the management team] can tick a lot of boxes in terms of developing players skill-wise and composure-wise to be at the level of play for international sport.
Translates as:
It [the policy] will help them develop players with the skills and composure to compete internationally.
A national education-qualifications authority:
[Teachers are encouraged to] broaden strategies used to collect evidence of achievement to enable opportunities for the recognition of a student's best effort.
We gives this an F. Translates as (thanks to a cynical but plain-speaking school principal, writing in a newspaper):
[Teachers should] look for any reason to pass a student.
A bulk business letter from a business organisation:
[Organisation name] is now sending you a brief reminder concerning this survey, given the contingency that you may not have had time to complete it yet. Should this be the case, we would greatly appreciate it if you would do this at your earliest convenience.
Translates as:
Please complete the survey soon, if you haven't already.
A researcher's economic predictions report:
The New Zealand economy is being hit by a salvo of negative factors.
Proves conclusively that creative writing and economists don't mix. Translates as:
The New Zealand economy is suffering/taking a hit/in freefall/on its knees.
A tender request for a government project:
Only communications that are in writing from us may be considered as properly authorised expressions on our behalf. Only communications from you that are in writing to our contact person will be recognised by us as properly authorised expressions on your behalf. Failure to comply with these requirements may, at our discretion, result in your tender being disqualified.
Translates as:
You should submit your tender in writing to our contact person, according to our guidelines. Otherwise, we may disqualify it.
A government website, explaining resources available to migrants:
[Authority's name] provides market intelligence and market development services through a network of 48 offices in New Zealand and around the world. This global capability is aligned with local strategies to develop sectors from a national and regional perspective, while assisting individual firms to improve their capabilities to take up these new opportunities.
No second-language migrant is likely to read this far. But translates (probably) as:
[ ] has 48 offices in New Zealand and around the world providing market intelligence and market development services. We also work closely with New Zealand-based firms and sectors.
An HR research analyst quoted in a business publication's 'careers' column:
[Analyst's name] said there were a number of "key drivers" of employee engagement. "How your people respond to these key drivers allows you to predict, with confidence, the extent to which they will go the extra mile or become advocates of your organisation — powerful stuff given the proven impact this has on bottom-line performance," he said.
The idea might be powerful stuff, but not so the language. Translates as:
[ ] noted several ways a company can inspire staff. Based on how your employees respond, you can confidently predict how much effort and loyalty they will give to the organisation. Ultimately, this will boost company profits, he said.
Heading on a government request for tenders:
Signage and way finding solutions
Translates as:
Signs
Job ad from a rural sales firm:
[Company name] is expanding both its physical footprint and scope of offering within New Zealand.
Translates as:
[Company name] is expanding its business in New Zealand.
A conference organisers's home page:
[Company name] has been born. [ ]'s vision has come into creation. We are so excited; the venture we have undertaken is to help with the awakening. Our goal is to reach out and touch as many people as it is possible to touch in whatever way is right for them. The time is now!
Translates as nothing much more than:
We have launched [ ] to help people.
Email to ratepayers from the chief of a local body, under pressure for poor communication:
I think it probably does add to the 'business as usual' value to say that we had planned a wide flier but pulled back because we made a commercial decision that it was not warranted because of the high uptake.
Translates as:
We decided not to produce fliers because we felt few people would read them. [We at PEP wonder whether the 'uptake' for this email was any higher.]
A self-proclaimed HR 'guru', in a newsletter:
Studies indicate there's a bell curve impact of stress and there's a severe affect at either extreme of the curve.
Untranslatable.
An ICT company's home page:
[Company name]'s vision is to enrich people's lives by transforming the way the world communicates. Born with an unparalleled ability to offer end-to-end communications solutions to our customers, we are focused on enhancing client relationships and enriching the lives of people through communications. Expert, driven, intuitive, innovative, [ ] is the first truly global communications solutions provider, with the most complete end-to-end portfolio of solutions and services in the industry.
'Communications' provider is probably stretching the term somewhat. Translates as little more than:
[ ] offers a raft of innovative communications services to our customers around the world.
Public statement from a public-serving organisation:
[Organisation's name] and [other party's name] have reached a settlement of the recent dispute between them, the terms of which are confidential and which were reached without any admission of liability on [organisation]'s part... In so far as any confusion may have occurred, it was unintentional.
Translates as:
[ ] and [ ] have settled their recent dispute. The terms are confidential, but [ ] did not admit liability. Nor did it (we) intend to cause confusion.
Air crew announcement:
We would like to extend a preboarding invitation.
Translates as:
Passengers may board now.
Pronouncement from the head of a sporting body, after the representative team lost an important match:
As a consequence we don't wish to consider or discuss the issue until the tournament is finished. We have done so much over the last few years to make sure that we give ourselves the very best possible chance that we are not going to cause any distractions either internally or externally by having any discussions whatsoever in respect of the [team name] coaching position.
Possibly the longest ever version of:
No comment.
Sales blurb for a 'Silent Healing' CD offering "74 minutes of powerful silence":
...developed using advanced technology associated with analysis and balancing of problems in the subtle energy systems of the body and personal spaces.
Translates into a fortune scammed from gullible punters.
Statement from a university's dean of education (who, of all people, should take more care):
One of the reasons for moving away from the previous assessment system was not because it was more reliable, which is being claimed by some, but because it was not.
Translates as:
Our schools changed from the previous assessment system partly because it was unreliable — not more reliable, as others claim.
An officer on CSI programme (on TV):
The 'Suicide Girls', all 220 of them, are strong, confident, sassy, sexy and above all unique.
Just how unique are 220 girls all sharing the same qualities? And why is uniqueness on a higher plane those other dynamic-sounding qualities? For dramatic effect, translates as:
The 'Suicide Girls', all 220 of them, are strong, confident, sassy and sexy.
A newspaper rugby story (though you wouldn't pick it):
As a key forward, [player name] is more likely to roll with the big punches rather than orchestrate a turning of the tide, and [other player] is in a similar mould.
Keys, punches, orchestras, tides and moulds — what a miscellany! Untranslatable.
Marketing material from a college of natural therapies:
[College name] is unique, in not only the depth and quality of the courses offered — enhanced in no small part by the experience and knowledge of the teaching staff that goes way beyond the norm — but also in its dedication to driving the standards of natural therapies forward.
Translates as:
[College name] is dedicated to furthering standards in natural therapies. We offer high-quality courses taught by experienced, knowledgeable staff.
And more...:
[College name] is establishing the first Natural Therapies Research Unit worldwide that will continue to move the complimentary/alternative approach (CAM) down the path of integration with more traditional forms of medicine.
Translates as:
[College name] is setting up a (world's first) research unit that seeks to integrate natural therapies with traditional medicine.
A best-selling diet-system book:
I cannot possibly overemphasize how exceedingly important it is for this detoxification to be accomplished.
Translates as:
You must detox.
Sign on wall of a roadside cafe:
Only eating in & bar
customers can use our
toilet. (A cup of tea or
coffee is not sufficient)
We have the right to
put a restriction on this
costly facility, we regret
having to impose this
restriction but we are not
a Public Toilet!
Translates as:
Toilets for diners' use only
An industry training organisation's website:
[ ] is a leading industry training organisation that brokers innovative human capability solutions for clients.
Translates as:
[ ] finds trainers for clients.
A newspaper sports column:
[Player name]'s silverware haul is particularly glaring in its paucity.
Translates as:
[ ] has never won any big prizes.
A local body's meeting minutes:
Level 3 is the minimum competency level for all staff and is quite attainable due to requiring understanding rather than demonstration (to cover all roles within the organisation).
The key word here is 'understanding'. Translates as:
All staff, whatever their role, must show they have reached competency level 3.
An internal memo, at a public health organisation:
This, though, focuses purely on communications outputs — and often has little bearing upon the effect of said communication on the perceptions of stakeholders.
Translates as:
Staff are just producing documents with no concern for what readers might think. [Touché!]
And another...:
Proposed interventions will be prioritised and introduced in a phased manner so that they are effectively managed.
Translates as:
We will make changes in stages, so we can manage them better.
A local-body department's progress report:
Delay arises from the fact that comparative evaluation is made difficult by the inconsistencies in the presentation formats of tenders from firms which are not established supply sources necessitating the transfer by this section of the details of their tenders to the standard forms.
Translates (we think) as:
Some firms submit tenders in non-standard formats. We have to transfer the information onto our forms. This takes time and delays the whole tenders process.
The back of a parking ticket:
If the infringement fee is paid within 28 days after issuing this notice, no proceedings in respect of the infringement offence will be taken. Payment should be made to the enforcement authority at the address shown in this notice.
Translates as:
If you pay the infringement fine within 28 days of this notice, the [authority] will take no further action against you. You can pay the fine at the address below.
A public notice:
[Airline name] has entered into a memorandum of understanding with the Maori Language Commission under which the commission will provide te reo expertise to the company for its in-flight operations.
Translates as:
[Airline name] and the Maori Language Commission have signed a deal to get the Maori language onto flights.
A sports organisation's public report:
There is a demonstrably large amount of lack of knowledge about...
Translates as:
Very few people know much about...
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